Well.........hello strangers!!

Im sorry its been a while since I blogged - I have been through some personal changes (WTF did you expect from me!!!)

erm....well....I promised to get back to the story of the navy love rat....and I wont let you down, but I just wanna fill you in on whats been going on the last few months.....

1) The big news - the worst news - is that my son has been diagnosed with a rare heart condition called "wolff parkinson white syndrome". He's OK - it can be fatal, but mostly it can be controlled by drugs, or an operation. I dont fully understand it all at the moment - we have an appointment with the paediatrician in September and I intend to give him a full grilling then.....in the meantime, "spuds" is doing well and coping VERY well with it all - much better than his mother, im having a nervous breakdown inside, but im trying to hide it............

2) My BF has cheated on me twice in the last 4 months - I only found out about them both recently - they are both ex girlfriends of his back in Birmingham. Totally devastated. Not much more to say on this. We are still together, trying to work through it..........im not sure I want to work through it, to be honest, but until my son is better im afraid im taking the easy route and just getting on with things at the mo

3) Ive wound up my business - its not been performing too well, as we have had a rotten summer (weatherwise!) and ive not been able to get to as many fairs as I would have like because of my personal life. Im not sad about it - its had its time and im looking forward to new challenges.............

4) My latest challenge being that I am retraining - taking my career in a new direction......................ive only gone and got a part time job as a trainee fishmonger!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE it - my boyfriend hates it - says its not feminine, but seeing as he has cheated on me I figure he can go f@ck himself frankly (well, instead of other people....)...............I like it. SO THERE!

5) Thats all folks.................im now going to remove the blackhead strip from my nose and get ready for work. Hope you all well and OK - i will blog again asap - promise!!

Oh, and if any of you want to get in contact - heartbeauty@live.co.uk - id love to hear from you!

I wish i'd beena tortoise and had my home on my back....!

About a month after the earthquake, I got a call from the rental department, who were managing the apartment and I was told that a surveyor would be coming round.........which triggered all sorts of panic in me - I could only think of one reason for a surveyor coming round = because the owner wanted to sell up......we had only been in the flat 4 months, and I loved it so much, it would have broken my heart to have had to move.

Anyway, I was reassured by the rental peeps, (and also the owner, who had "popped" round one day, to ask if everything was ok after the quake - I appreciated this, she didnt have to, did she?) So feeling a little better, I let the surveyor in one day, who was clearly a total gossip, the bloke couldnt hold water, never mind client confidentiality, bless him and he blagged and told me it was because the flats were concrete, which apparently means that they cant be remortgaged or anything............

So, ya got it.............................flat WAS put up for sale, but only after the owner had tried to put my rent up by £150/month - apparently this would have "brought it in line" with other one bedroom flats in the area??!!! I searched long and hard, and t0 be honest, the £550 I was paying for a one bedroom flat in Folkestone was OVER the norm at the time - to be asked to pay £700 was blatantly taking the piss............

Getting in from work one evening, there was a note pushed under the door giving me notice to quit..................and so the search for a new property was on...........but not before I had reverted back to Bridget Jones, opened a bottle of wine and called all my friends in pieces, just booing my eyes out........I still, to this day, regret having to leave that flat and if I ever get any money, im going back to buy one!

Now I was thoroughly cheesed off ..........no boyfriend (although, to be honest, that was no great shakes at the time!) no money, no flat, no seaview and even Dave the Dolphin had left town at this point.................

Luckily, Stu and I found a lovely little house in a cul de sac up the steepest hill you can imagine, in a quiet corner of town near the harbour.....................and we began the move of the century....!! The new house was only about 10 minutes walk from the old flat, so we literally moved by suitcase! - Every evening after work, we would take 2 or 3 suitcases full of stuff over to the new place and lug it up this bloody ginormous hill!! - I developed muscles in places I never knew I had! (I know I have spelt ginormous wrong, by the way,but I can be arsed to google it - isnt it weird when you spell something wrong, and then whatever way you type it, it still looks wrong?!)

Anyway.....one digresses...........so we moved into the new house, relatively painlessly and everything was yet again hunky dory.........till I met Kevin...................and hold on to your seats, coz im REALLY gonna name and shame this bugger next blog - with both barrels - because of this tw*t my son and ended up homeless, in Dorset.....but I did get offered £1,000 by Take a Break magazine to sell my story ................Kevin's a Naval Officer, you see, and he was a VERY NAUGHTY BOY!!

Ciao darlings.........enjoy the sunshine and catch ya later...........

Did the earth move for you dear?!

Copper and I limped on ..................till the earthquake!!

By this time, son and I were happily esonced in our flat in Folkestone - it was tiny, but the seaviews made it all worthwhile - I had changed jobs, by now - I was working as a site secretary/document controller for a construction company and I adored it...............I admit, at first, I floundered.......but with the Office Manager, Julie, and the South East Area Manager, Barry, I just bloomed!!

I loved it - it was a daily challenge, thats for sure, but the variety in the role and having an office junior (16 yr old "my Dan") it was a pleasure to work there............for the first time in my life I actually looked forward to getting up in the morning and getting to work.........and I have some GREAT stories to tell you about working on a construction site, but they can wait for another time....too long to put here!!!!!

Copper and I were drifting ever further apart - one night, he stayed over and he got a parking ticket and he didnt stay after that!! Apart from that, things were great - then one chilly spring Saturday Morning, in April, I was rooting through my handbag (as one does!) and the earthquake hit!!!

I remember it all VERY clearly - one minute, son standing looking out the window, im rifling through my handbag, and then the earth "shimmered" I SWEAR to you, it MOVED and wobbled, and I half expected Dr Who to land in my lounge (I wish...!), but then, all of sudden, there was a HUGE bang, like a bomb had gone off and everything was shaking.

My immediate thought was my son, but he's younger and fitter than me and was already running for the door, shouting "we've got to get out of here!" I shouted at him to not take the lift and we were pelting it down the stairs!! "Its OK Stu, I panted (!) I think a crane has fallen onto the roof" (our flats were in a huge victorian block, which was curved and the end flats were still being renovated by builders, so this is not QUITE as random a statement as it first sounds!)

When we got outside, we were met by the other residents, and a stunned looking group of builders, all of whom had run over to the other side of the road and were mumbling "its nothing to do with us"!!! (although they didnt look TOO sure!) All the seagulls were whirling overhead, screaming and screeching, just in blind panic, and there were people everywhere........some said a gas main had exploded, some said the channel tunnel (entrance just 2 miles away from us) had been blown up, NO ONE even imagined what it really was!!

Well, I wasnt going back in that flat, not for no-one, so we headed into town - which was when we realised the severity of the occasion. It seemed that we werent the only ones to have this idea, and most of Folkestone was there............and it was WEIRD!! I mean, proper weird - none of the shops were open (power was down) and there was a lady outside Sainsburys with a battery operated radio listening to the news, with all these people in their nighties and pyjamas sitting there listening - just in shock, in dead silence.....like the blitz in the war.....and this was when we heard that it had all been caused by an earthquake..............and then the rumours started........

The scariest one was that we could expect aftershocks for up to two weeks after............but the one that really made me crack up laughing was the "old dear" who was telling everyone that they shouldnt go to the beach in case there was a Tsunami!! Now im a thick bitch, but even I know the English Channel is about as deep as a puddle and there was no chance of that happening!

So, unable to get much needed chocolate in Sainsburys, we headed back into the centre of town and joined another crowd of people just sitting in their nightwear watching all these news helipcopters flying overhead...................and no one spoke..........I promise you, it was the eyriest atmosphere I had ever know............hundreds of people, no noise, and all these helipcopters whirling overhead - it was like armageddon, or night of the living dead, or something............

Stu and I stayed out till 4 in the afternoon, we were unable to contact anyone as the phone networks had gone down and the novelty of watching news reporters interviewing people had worn off, so we went back to the flat - there were fireman outside, and they told us it was safe to go in.......although a lot of buildings in Folkestone had had chimneys and walls fall down, so we got off lightly. Well, we went home and I can tell you - everytime the wind blew for the next week, or there was a creak in the floorboards - I didnt sleep that night!!

I thought we had got off lightly, and compared to some, we had, but what I didnt realise was that the earthquake HAD caused problems - and it would lead to Stu and I having to leave...........................and Copper and I too break up for good..................

Lifes a box of chocolates (then you join weightwatchers!)

Looking back over my blog I realise that i have given the impression that my life has been a crock of sh*t, a pile of poo, a waste of oxygen................!! But it hasnt ALWAYS been!!

One of the happiest memories I will always have is of one summer about 3 years ago......things were going badly at home with copper (ya didnt think it was all gonna be roses did ya??!!) and I need some room to breathe, time to get away........well copper wasnt into holidays, he didnt see the point, so I invested in a 2 man tent from Asda (19.99 - bargain!) and some sleeping bags and told him that one Friday night, when he was working (he wouldn't have let me go out for the night if he had been at home) my son and I would go to the beach at Sandgate to look for Dave.

DAVE, I hear you asking?!.......this is where the magic happens............!! All my life, I have wanted to see a dolphin in the wild, and all my life I have told people (most of whom think im crazy - whos to say whos right?!) that there ARE dolphins off the coast of Folkestone, although I had never seen any (and neither had anyone else, apparently!). I cant explain this, other than I have always been dead stubborn - so if I decided there were Dolphins, then there must have been, never mind what anyone else said!

So you can imagine my surprise one day when if I spotted a post on a wildlife forum that I stalk (http://www.wildaboutbritain.co.uk/ - its awesome - check it out - very knowledgable and friendly people there) from a lady who said that she had been walking her dog on the beach at Sandgate (just down t'road from Folkestone) and that she HAD SEEN A DOLPHIN!.

Well, I had to go, so with Coppers permission (!) and my son in tow we got the no 10 bus from Park Street in Ashford one Friday night after work and travelled the 1 hour journey to the beach.....and im not joking ......I swear to you, this night sort of changed my life. We pitched up our tent (ignoring the "do not camp overnight" signs :0/) and bought some burgers from the burger van, cracked open a bottle of coke and settled down to wait for this magical dolphin. And we waited and we waited and we waited..........and it got chilly, son got bored, I got bored....but we were in it for the long haul (we had to be - we had missed the last bus home!!!)

I dont know how many of you have been lucky to spend nights on the beach, but despite the chill and the no show dolphin, it was, well, FANTASTIC. The air turned pink, and it felt "soft" and there was only the odd passing car and the waves as they broke on the shore.....and I just felt complete.....like I was meant to be there.......very strange (maybe it was the rush of carbs from the coke?!)

Anyway, at 9.10pm exactly -my son pointed to a fishing boat that was just offshore and said "whats that splash" and sure enough.......nothing happened for another 10 mins...........then I saw a splash ................and another............and it was a bloody DOLPHIN!!. Before I knew it we were running down the beach whooping and clapping and cheering!!. Im getting emotional just typing this - incredible feeling to be having such a tough time at home and then see something that you have waited your whole life for - to literally have a dream come true.....we watched him for about half an hour, then it got too dark too see anymore.......but I will never forget it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRrT33Os6HU

So overnight, "Dave" become a celebrity - google "Dave the Dolphin" he's there.......pages and pages of him and that Friday night camping trip became quite regular and we spent many happy early (5am ish) mornings watching him on the snuffle for fish around the rocks as well.

Of course, people being what people are, in the end it all got a bit much for him and he left town. Some stupid kids (who got prosecuted, by the way) were going out in their jetskis and speedboats and doing "donuts" around him and eventually he got injured, part of his tail was ripped off - words cant describe what I feel for these twats, so i wont even bother blogging them.......

One of the worst idiots, though, was the guy who swam up to Dave and put his toddler ON THE WILD DOLPHINS BACK...........he actually made the Sun Newspaper, although I think JAIL would have been more appropriate.............if Dave had been a Wolf, or a Tiger, would he have done the same then..............??

Later on, whilst treating Dave for his injured tail, it was discovered that HE was a SHE!! A sort of effort was made to change her name to Daphne, or Davina, or something like that - but to me she will always be Dave, the magical dolphin.

I dont know where she is now - she has moved on somewhere and I hope she is OK and has met up with another group of Bottlenose Dolphins and it living the life of riley - coz she deserves it....

Aunty Beeb and The Watchdog....!!

"Aunty Beeb and the Watchdog" Sounds like a dodgy porn movie, no?!!!

Anyway, I digress.........in desperation, after consulting the CAB, who couldnt/wouldnt do anything (in fairness, they are there only to ADVISE), I emailed Radio Kent, telling them that there were 2 sides to the Wilsons - that, yes, they were probably well on their way to making a squillion quid - but at the expense of their tenants..............

A very nice guy came out and interviewed me for the radio, it prob made good hearing - I sobbed all the way thru, i showed him the mould growing on the walls, and my horrid emails from the Wilsons and the radio journalist was wonderful......the story went out, and then things began to snowball (as things tend to do in my life.........!!)

Anyway, a week or so later (still no heating or hot water...middle of January now) BBC Watchdog emailed me and asked if I could go to Park Farm - which was a local new estate in Ashford that the Wilsons owned most of - to speak to other tenants who were also having problems (including one poor sod who had had his £700 deposit refused to be paid back because he had "painted the lounge the wrong shade of Magnolia........WTF???!!!)...of course, I couldnt get down there quick enough and sure enough Watchdog reported on them......

Well, the effect was amazing - within a week, my heating was repaired and equally as quickly I had handed my notice in on the house and told them to shove it "where the sun dont wanna shine" (or words to that effect...........!)

When I quit the house, the property inventory clerk came round, as they do - and I was WARY!! very WARY - id heard all the stories about how the Wilsons often found pathetic reasons not to refund someones deposit and I was ready for a fight...............sadly, I didnt get one!! The guy walked in, said "this is a Wilson property?" which I confirmed and he ran around the house, told me everything was fine, that things were "in place" to make sure the Wilsons couldnt treat tenants so badly in the future, and left - easy as pie!!

Long and short of it, I found a gorgeous new flat in Folkestone, with sea views and a fitted kitchen and NO MOULD!!!! My dream crib!!

Anyways...gotta go.....dinner to do, but next time I will tell you about the new man in my life (who turned out to be a new woman!) and how my son and I ended up sleeping rough on the beach because of him, err......I mean her...........

Landlords + tenants = Trouble!

It took a week to get my son back from the foster carers.

When I finally got released from the police cell (they cut my taped interview short, because by this time I was incapable of stringing a sentence together) I'd already spoken to my brief (god -I sound like a common criminal - and seeing as I had just belted a police office, I spose I WAS one?!), and she had reassured me that they had no case - I will always remember her - she was a funky looking woman, silver rings all on one hand and gold rings all on the other, dressed like a hippy, and sharp as a tack. I remember that one of the statements said that "all there was in the fridge was some cheese, 6 yoghurts and 4 pints milk" This was supposed to ADD to the child abuse case that they were trying to build against me at the time, coz obviously assualting a police officer wasnt enough........and my brief cracked up when she read this......"I wish I had this much food in my fridge", she commented, and the police didnt pursue it beyond this, thank heavens. They were trying to make out that my son was left on his own all the time (simply NOT TRU) and that when I did leave him (y'know for all those exotic holidays etc.....) all I left him was some milk, cheese and yoghurt??!!! CRAZY - no wonder that shut up and left it all well alone after this....

So, a kind CID officer drove copper and I home (you cannot imagine the atmosphere in that car at the time) and we walked in the front door........

The first thing I did was call the foster parents-we had been home, literally 30 seconds (it was about 18.00 hours and I wasnt allowed to speak to my son - "he's gone to bed" which pardon my language, was bullshit - who sends a 7yr old to bed at 6pm?!!

So I had a shower and went for a curry................which sounds totally heartless and bitchy and awful.......but I simply didnt know what else to do.............I couldnt stay at home, the police had wrecked my house with their search warrant (which means they can remove anything they like as evidence, and turn drawers inside out, but you dont have to put it back again - fair enough I guess...)

Copper asked if I was hungry and i was - hadnt eaten for 36+ hours at this point, so we went out...you COULD NOT have paid me to stay in the house anyway.....

Life over the next week = cant describe, picture copper stressful as he had been suspended, me in pieces because i couldnt get my son back (I was told where he was, but advised by social workers not to get him, because "it wouldnt look good for me") So case from the police had been dropped in this week - first offence, abused girlfriend, etc etc........and I still couldnt get my son back........

Obviously, I did at the end of the week and I cherish that first time I got to cuddle him, to tuck him into bed - for hours, I sat outside his room at nighttime, just listening to him breathe deeply when he was asleep - it meant the world to me......

Time moved on, it didnt heal .............copper and I reached the conclusion (DOH!!) that we would be better off apart............so he moved into a gorgeous flat in Faversham........we wanted to stay together (I still loved him, so so much, you see - despite everything) and of course, things got worse..........

Not with Copper, I must stress that - he actually seemed to have sorted himself out in his new flat - drinking less, working hard and doing well.......and I was doing better too..

Until the heating died at home.........7 yr old son, no heating, no water, 2 weeks before Christmas.........I told our Landlords (it was clearly in the lease that it was THEIR responsibilty to fix) and they were having none of it....copper emailed them..no good. They were having none of it......i went to the Citizens Advice Bureau, who told me that my landlords (Mr and Mrs Wilson, actually) were known for this sort of behaviour - in fact, they had hundreds of complaints against them, but the CAB were unable to do anything. At this point, I was having a nervous breakdown, there was mould growing on the walls and I had to boil the kettle to have a wash. I went to my GP - who told me - and these are his exact words........."you cant fight the Wilsons, they have too much money"

RED RAG = BULL! By this time - and I remember this clear as day - it was xmas eve - and who was on the telly, but the rogue Landlords, the Wilsons, bragging about how they were about to become "Kents first Billionaire Landlords" I was fucking wild (scuse my french) they were about to become BILLIONAIRES, yet they wouldnt fix my heating and they were sending me vile emails (if you cant afford to fix the heating, maybe you shouldnt be in one of our houses - you arent the sort of tenant we want and you would be better of renting a cheaper house - maybe a terraced one, nearer town.....) Im not joking - they were SICK, just SICK.

So after Christmas, I emailed BBC Watchdog, in desperation...........and lo and behold, Aunty Beeb - she came thru for me..............!!

How to get arrested....smack a copper!

I hit him - its quite simple and I HIGHLY recommend it if you want to get arrested REALLY QUICKLY!!

Basically what happened was this............I went out shopping the next day (yes, I know I had taken a sicky, but the only cure for what I was going thru was chocolate.......and shoes......maybe some perfume........) So, I kinda made my peace with the copper, we agreed to have a grown up chat when things had calmed down and off I went shopping. In the meantime, my colleagues at work had called the police, stressing their concerns over his behaviour - they were well aware that he didnt let me out and that he was often drunk and violent - they had seen the bruises on my legs and arms (he liked to pinch me under the arms - apparently they teach you that in Police School "Its a pressure point" NICE!) Anyway, because he was a copper, this raised alarm bells with them and they called round......which we probably could have dealt with, but while I was out, my son had come home from school and instead of staying with him, copper had promptly pissed off over the Barn (our local) and left him at home. A 7 year old child, at home, on his own - mother out shopping, "step" father in the local boozer, following a night of rows in front of my work colleagues..............I can see how this looked dysfunctional.........

Of course, my son had opened the door to the police (as of course he should), and told them mum was out and "dad" was over the pub. I walked round the corner 5 minutes later to find 2 police cars on the drive (yes, my house was so posh, I had a drive, OK?). One lovely police officer was playing on the playstation with son and the love of my life, my hero, was sitting on the sofa crying (he did that a LOT) and explaining that he was having a nervous breakdown because of stress from work.........

Somehow, dont know how, the situation got dealt with and everything was sorted, we were told to expect a visit from a Social worker the next morning (which I was, at this point, grateful for - coz gawd knows we needed all the help we could get). And also some sort of family police liason officer... then the police left.

Then copper started laying into me.......about how I was a rubbish mother, how I "only worked in a factory (whatevver - I was proud of my little job), about how I wasnt supportive enough to him (true enough, im afraid) and most of all how it was all my fault he was an alcoholic and I couldnt blame him for not letting me see people from work - and I quote "because they are all whores and slappers".

He was gunning for me - really yelling - and I lost it - and im not proud to admit this because violence DOES NOT solve anything and I shouldnt have done it. BUT all those nights laying awake in bed whilst he was getting drunk and passing out downstairs, all the CD's in the PC hard drive with Porn on, all the frustration I felt over his controlling behaviour- being told what to eat, what to drink, who I could have as friends (basically, no-one) all the bruises I had and the scar on the top of my head where he smashed a beer glass and the bloodstains that still showed on the wall in the kitched coz I couldnt wash them off, the time I had an asthma attack and was kneeling on the lounge floor and he was laughing and accusing me of making it up (he soon changed his mind over that one when the ambulance crew (who my son rang for, by the way) had to inject me with adrenaline and I ended up being admitted to Intensive Care). All those things.......and many more.......just enraged me.............and when he was standing in front of me screaming, with my son in the next room and he was half pissed and stank of beer and I lost it - before I knew what had happened, I had smacked him - HARD - right across the face and with my fist closed..............I got him good.........

And who knows what might have happened - if the police hadnt left yet = if they hadnt of been waiting outside (which is SOP is domestic violence cases, by the way - in case a row kicks off......) Anyway, they hadnt left - they were still there and milliseconds after I walloped him - he looked at me and I will never forget it - he looked TRIUMPHANT, like he had won the world cup and found a million quid..........and he went over the the front door and announced to the officer standing there........ "look what she's done to me" and it was game over........they arrested me there and then for assault and took me away.

My mind is hazy for the rest of it......I remember a very kindly WPC taking my DNA swab and my fingerprints and asking if I wanted a hot chocolate........I remember shaking, not even able to cry and them taking my bra off me...I remember that the blanket in the cell was scratchy and I held even that for comfort............and most of all, worse of all, almost, I remember asking a male police officer for some loo roll and he handed me ONE SQUARE........because, of course they were less than impressed with this woman who had decked a fellow office who was just having a hard time of it............

Anyway, I got taken to a room and they took a statement and I told them EVERYTHING...........which has ruined my life.........because when they saw the bruises I had, after they had photographed them, they went back to the house (it was about 10pm by this time) and arrested copper. The first I knew of it was when I got taken to yet another interview room to sign a piece of paper to say that I was aware my son had been taken into care - into foster care............and I will never EVER EVER forget feeling that way...............Iwill not forget what my son went through (as if he hadnt been thru enough) and I will never forgive myself.......im sorry baby, so sorry.......

I'll tell you how I got my baby back and how I ended up on BBC watchdog tomorrow!!

love, love, love,

He waved a set of keys in front of me and announced "I love you, ive left her......we are getting a divorce" He had rented a house in Sittingbourne ......lovely little place with a courtyard. So, we got back together.....

Now - remember the pot head that I nearly ended up dating?, well he ended up with one of the pivotal members of my girly gang, which caused a huge falling out between us - mainly coz I have a big gob and told her in no uncertain terms that he was not the sort of guy she needed in her life, so she "choose" him over me and because me and the pot head "had a history"???WTF??!!! she told me she didnt want me around anymore.......it was one of those huge girly fights that I still regret to this day.........she was an awesome lady and DID deserve better than him.....and I havent spoken to her since, and thats a shame, because I genuinley miss her....

Copper and I - we were happy - we proper dated at last...and I was so blinded, infatuated, in fact, by my love for this guy I didnt realise at first that all our dates centred around the pub.....and now, on reflection, I cant remember ever going anywhere else with him.......never the cinema, or restaurants (well, the day my son got taken in care we went to a restaurant, but thats another chapter). He proposed - at Priestfield, which was the home of my dads favourite team (Gillingham) He couldnt have got that more right - its holy ground to my family!! I was dead happy - bigg eff off Diamond, hunky fiance, my son loved him, I was still laughing a lot, still cosy in my council flat.......it was all good.

Of course, eventually, we did the couple thing - looked for a house together and settled in a rented 3 bedroom house in my home town of Ashford, it was only half hour drive for him to the police station and I couldnt believe my luck. Imagine this..........all the problems I had had and now I was marrying the man of my dreams, living in this gorgeous 3 bedroom detached house (DETACHED!! - and me having come from a council flat!)

Then, he got moved from normal police duties into CID - and nothing was the same after........he drank more and more and more, I was stepping over him to get my son to school in the morning because he had passed out on the floor in the lounge (or dining room, or wherever). One Christmas he went over the pub (naturally!) whilst I was cooking dinner - got back from the pub at about 12.30 (he had only been over there an hour or so...) and spent the whole of christmas dinner crying, curled up in the lobby sobbing (cant remember what about now - but it would have been trivial, like the fact that it was raining or something...) As usual with me, I handled it badly - I was convinced I deserved the "fairy tale" and not this pissed up copper who just seemed to hate me. So I grew to resent him more and more - im not proud of myself - I couldnt have been less supportive...........I was a crap girlfriend to him at this point, when he probably needed me more than ever.........

He went thru phases of things - sometimes my weight was "ballooning out of control babe" so he would take food off my plate at mealtimes to stop me "overeating". Once he was on a night shift, but came home ill and i'd had my friend "A" over from work - the nicest, sweetest lady you can imagine - we had done the girly thing - video night, playing around with makeup and had some wine. After she left, I went to bed, and copper came in and poured a can of beer over me, whilst I was in bed "seeing as you like drinking so much, you can spend the night with it". This led to us having bizarre nights out where he was pissed as a fart and I wasnt allowed to touch a drop - sometimes even a diet coke, because he worried it "might set me off on a carb binge....?"

At this point, I had left the old peoples home - the unsocial hours weren't condusive to the fiancee of an alcoholic policement - and i was working at a plastics factory, in Quality Control - it was a bit of a career jump, I admit, but I loved it. Most of the workers there were Gurkhas Wives, or ex-Gurkhas and I just want to say - please please, if you get the chance, add your support to them being able to stay in the country - they are the most wonderful, amazing people and they need our help right now because they are being treated appallingly - our government should hang its head in shame...........

One night, as co-workers do, I was invited on a works night out. "I cant" I said - "copper wont let me"........so we all hatched a cunning plan...........get a babysitter for the night, they said and go out with copper (they knew we would go out to the pub - where else??!!) and we will "bump" into you and you can introduce us to him and it will be fine......So copper and I went out to the Man of Kent in Ashford, bumped into my work colleagues and it was embarrassing..........he was rude, snotty, vile and awful to them - for about 10 minutes, then walked out the pub shouting that my friends werent "classy" and "if you would rather spend time with them than me..." He must have got a cab home, I had to walk - no money.......and when I got home he had locked the door and refused to let me in. So i spent the night on the doorstep, cold, worried out of my mind and beginning to hate him..........

I bet you dont believe he was THAT nasty to my colleagues in the pub..........well, he was........so bad, in fact, then when I took a sicky off of work the next day (which was unlike me) they called the police...........and next time I blog I will tell you about how this ultimately lead to my son being taken into care and how I got arrested...........

Crazy years.......

Here I was then, single, young, actually THIN, for once in my life!!......happy as larry. I'd met this great group of girls through my sons school - they were just other young mums, some of them single, some of them not and we all became some kind of "gang"! Fridays it was cocktails in the garden (oh yes Dahling mwah mwah!!), Mondays it was coffee mornings round someone's house, discussing how the slimfast (or slimFART, as I used to call it!) diet was going and, best of all IMHO - Thursdays night - ladies night - down at the M20 nightclub.

Its probably quite hard to appreciate this, but i had never really hit the clubbing scene, or even gone out much - I was pregnant at 20, lived all my life in this quiet, tiny village on the Romney Marsh (there are NO nightclubs on the Romney Marsh) and i'd only been to one or two clubs in my lifetime. So there I was - me and my girlies, babysitter organised, dressed up to the nines, dancing down the M20 to all the eighties tracks and really thinking I was "it"...oh how I lived for those Thursday nights!!

One night im down there, to be honest pissed as a fart, as one is in nightclubs, and this tall, dark, v.good lookin guy comes over to me and starts chattting - in conversation it comes out that he is a policeman, so im feeling fairly safe with him (ive already checked out his badge, know what I mean ;0) and he takes my mobile number and asks if I want to meet him in town the next day for a lunchtime drink, I agree.......was so excited for the rest of the night, then didnt turn up the next day.....for the first and only time in my life I stood someone up.........and I felt really shitty......really, really shitty.......

To this day I dont know why I didnt go - nerves, I guess, whatevver........but he chased me and rang me and turned up at the M20 the following week - and I agreed to another date.......and I met him, and fell HEAD OVER HEELS.........KABOOM...................ALL the way!!

We dated and dated and I wouldnt sleep with him..........not coz Im a mean bitch (although I can be........;0).!!) but because he was such a gentleman about it all.........said he understood about my past and that he loved me and we could wait awhile, to paraphrase Janet Jackson.....

Anyway, one night after he had worked a late shift, he turned up at my flat at 1am (we had arranged this - he wasnt being creepy!) he looked all hot and sexy in his uniform and the rest, as they say, is history.............

We had the most wonderful year together - id never laughed so much, my son loved him, it was great...................then I did the woman thing and started asking him to stay longer than a night at a time.................hinting that a holiday together somewhere hot would be nice.......and it was a big no go with him......he didnt want to know.......we had row after row after row and then one night, during one of these rows, he turned around and said he couldnt go away on holiday with me and he couldnt stay longer then one night because ......( I know you KNOW whats coming.!) he was MARRIED

Ballon = burst. I was devastated - he kept phoning me and asking to see me and I wouldnt have any of it..............I didnt tell my girlfriends coz I was so ashamed.......for fucks sake, me, Mrs High Principles, had been shagging a married man - FOR OVER A YEAR!! (and I know I didnt know he was married, but that didnt really comfort me at all, no way Mrs......)

Back to the old routine then, M20 Thursdays, Cocktails Friday Lunchtime.........only it wasnt fun anymore............the sparkle had gone out of it all.........I was heartbroken, just in pieces. 911 happened and the world just seemed a fucking awful place to be, to be honest.

Then - just when life was slowly returning to normal - about 8 weeks later.......he turned up at my door - in his uniform and handed me yet another bombshell...............

Smoking is bad for you....

So anyway - there i am, the council had moved me to the roughest part of Ashford, but I was soo glad to get outta that house (which did end up being repossesed, by the way) that i wasnt even bovvered - new flat, new start. Simples.

Life was pretty good there actually - my flat (actually a maisonette, with two HUGE bedrooms ) was spacious, my neighbours were lovely - a german couple on one side who didnt really say much but always smiled and a younger couple of newlyweds on the other - very friendly, they were. We had a top floor flat, which did give us wonderful views over the Kent Countryside, and if the lift was either broken or had kids pooing in it or teenagers sh*gging, well that didnt matter either coz there was a staircase - and to my mind I needed the exercise anyway!!

So we settled in, me and my son, Arnie and Daphne had long since passed, but we were blessed with a house rabbit called Allie, who used a litter tray and attacked people when you opened the door to them (handy when you live on such a rough estate!) My son started school and I met a fella (possibly one of the shortest relationships in history - one day ((IE just after our first date in the local Wetherspoons)) he took me out on the balcony and announced that he was a "smoker". Yuck, I thought, followed by "well as long as he doesnt do it in the house, or near stu, then I will learn to live with it". Unfortunately when he told me that he was a "smoker" I hadnt realised he meant the "wacky backy" and was horrified when I found him the next day on the balcony outside my flat stoned out of his head at 3.20pm just as I was walking stu home from school. So that ended that. Not one of the great romances......!!

It was hard but I managed to save a few pennies from my wages at the old peoples home and took stu on holiday to Butlins at Bognor - we got a single parent discount and had a great time - except there was this one couple who had about 5 kids who decided that because I was a SINGLE PARENT I must be REALLY LONELY and they basically stalked me the whole week we were there......I couldnt go to the bog without the mother putting her arm through mine and asking if I WAS OK? or if I was LONELY? or asking if I was bored ON MY OWN?! Like I was some suicidal nutter or something (thank god she hadnt met me two years before....!!!!) Anyway, despite the stalking, it was a great holiday and I will always remember it as the time my stu made his stage debut - he fell in love with the show the Blues Brothers that the redcoats put on everynight and he turned up for every performance, front row with his black shades on and wouldnt take them off. In the end the inevitable happened and they had him up on stage for one of their numbers - im still busting with pride to this day!!!! Thanks to all the Redcoats - you guys work bloody hard and we had an awesome time..xx

My parents, as ever, were supportive in their own way - mum bought stu and I tickets for Disneyland Paris on Valentines day - its not like I had to wait in for the Postman! I will never forget this trip- mainly because it was so bloody cold (there was ice on the lake around the princess castle!) but also because it was the first time I really laughed hard since the biological one and I had split up - we went on some pirate boat ride and stu really enjoyed it until it came to the last bit, when the boat goes down a small "waterfall". Well, stu flipped out!! He stood up and shouted to everybody to get off the boat "OH No! We are IN DANGER EVERYONE" I hardly noticed the waterfall - was trying not to pmsl and what with all the french ride attendants screaming "assez vous assez vous" (or something like that!) and trying to cling onto stu, it was a hell of a ride! Not quite as bad as when he got out of his bumper car to thump the french kid that "bumped" him, but nearly........!

So yes, although we were evacuated from our flat nearly every night because some tosser fell asleep with the chip pan on and although I (briefly) dated a pot head, and you couldnt use the lifts because of the sh*gging and the pooing, it was good times here......i genuinly have nothing but fond memories............

Then I met the love of my life (well, he was at the time.........!!) and my world got turned upside down...................

How to become a single mum....

I guess I should call this post "how to be a single mum - whether you like it or not"!!

Well, in a nutshell, I didnt like it....my lovely son was conceived by "accident" (make of that what you will!) At the time, I was working in folkestone for Le Shuttle Holidays (the holidays department for the newly opened Eurotunnel) Not to boast - but it was a fantastic time for me - I worked with the most amazing people, I would go into the office on a Monday and the boss "M" would say - "the opening of the tunnel has been delayed, we need to do something with you guys, so we are sending you to St Tropez for a week - go and visit some hotels and write about it for the Euro magazine"

So off we would go - you cant imagine the chaos - 14 girls and a gay admin supervisor ("P") in a minibus off to the south of france....only it wasnt always the south of france, sometimes it was Belgium (claim to fame - I shook the hand of the tour guide who gave Arnold Schwarzenneger a tour of Brugge when he was Mr Universe - there may be bigger claims to fame out there - but I doubt it.....!) or Holland - urgh! spent 3 weeks in Holland with my work partner in crime "Mo" and I was puking the whole time - which was when the penny dropped that I had a serious medical problem (didnt occur to me I was pregnant!) I thought I had stomach cancer (i can be a little dramatic and plain thick sometimes........)

So, it was a good life - living in Folkestone right next to the beach (my rent was £30 a week!! How times have changed!!), freebie trips abroad, it was just me and my one eared hamster, Arnie (yes i love that austrian film star!) against the world.

Id been seeing this guy - for 3 years - it wasnt serious but we were committed to each other when I fell pregnant....so he did the right thing, became Mr Committment, we bought a house back in Ashford and I left work so I could play mommy - which was something I loved (playing mommy, not leaving work - i missed my friends)

So there we were, 21 years old, mortgage, baby, 2 hamsters (i got arnie a gf called Daphne) and we were broke and sliding into thousands of pounds worth of debt to keep the wolf from the door and inevitably things broke down.............we were arguing a lot, had had a few "mini" breaks from each other - ie he left and went back to his mothers. Only I was so happy and in love with my bf and my baby that I hadnt realised how bad things had got.......till one day (and I SWEAR it happened just like this) my ex (or "The Biological one" as my sis calls him!) Ate his dinner in front of the TV, put his plate down on the floor, told me he was going out "for a while"........and that was the last I saw of him for 3 weeks.

He wouldnt take my calls at work, he wouldnt come home and he wouldnt tell his mother where he was staying......and im gullible......but genuinly believe it when he tells me a year later that for those 3 weeks he stayed in a tent in the woods .... i dont think he had anyone else, i think he had a breakdown - up to that point he had been a good bf and a good father - I just think he lost the plot somewhere along the way, had a breakdown

I guess on the plus side - it woke me up.........i did all the normal bridgette jones breakup things - drank wine, lost soooo much weight, dyed my hair blonde (it DID NOT suit me!!) Moved back in with my mother (awkward, that one....!). Got a part time job in a care home..........

Anyway all this time the Biological one didnt give us a bean in financial or emotional help......he said he needed a break and didnt want access to his son.....then a few weeks later he said we could live back in the house, which would have been great for us, as frankly moving back in with ones parents is difficult to say the least....and im quite sure they were sick of me too!

So we moved back into the house. The bio one and I had been seperated for just over a year at this point......and things settled down for a while...........until I found out that he had stopped paying the mortgage..........and got his gf up the duff...........long story short - horrible time in my life - he basically stalked me for ages - turning up at the house in the middle of the night, demanding to see his baby son at 1 in the morning (then smashing my head against the wall when I refused to let him go up the stairs) , kicking the front door in, sleeping on the end of my bed whilst I was in it (how creepy is THAT?!)

Eventually I got driven to a breakdown and begged the council to re-house me and son on the basis that our lives were endangered.....and I mean I lost the plot - I still loved him - I was about to be made homeless, bailiffs were knocking on the door, he had got someone else pregnant, and the only time he came to see me he either hit me or threatened me........i stopped eating......wouldnt leave the house. I even got the bloody Chicken Pox.....bless remember my mother dropping off food parcels at the front door and then running across the road before I opened the front door so she didnt catch it from me.....! I dont know why i stayed - i could have gone back to my parents.....stuborness? breakdown? I think I was just incapable of making a decision like that......little did I know that this was just the start of my problems......!!

BUT - here ends chapter one.......coz in the next thrilling installment i'll tell you all about the trials and laughter of being a single mother on the notorious stanhope council estate in ashford - imaging "Shameless" but with more stabbings, more drugs and some of the nicest people you can imagine - and i mean that from the heart.....

First Post......

OK so have set up this blog.......now gone strangely shy + eastenders is about to start!!

Heres a little something to keep you going - well, it made me larf.........http://wakooz.com/e/v/05_05_09_2.html

PS I asked my BF for a rabbit for my birthday and he didnt get me one...........well, now I want one of these and xmas is fast approaching......so get a move on markoose........!!